SCENE: COOL COMPUTER ANIMATION
Intelligent-sounding Voiceover: There are many Parallel Universes and many versions of you among them.
There is a Multiverse
Agency which protects other yous from coming over to kill the you you.
If I told you any more details, you'd find the flaws faster.
Anyway, we have the technology to travel between these universes as we desperately search for The One plot.
SCENE: POLICEMEN WALKING INTO PRISON, GEARING UP
TV in background: "President Gore addresses congress..."
Audience: Don't torture us!
SCENE: POLICEMEN WALK INTO CELL OF UNPOPULAR INMATE
Audience: This isn't a bad opening at all. This movie is already nicely sparking questions.
Who are these cops, why are they gearing up with automatic weapons, bullet proof vests and helmets?
Are any of them main characters? Why do the other prisoners
hate Prisoner Jet Li? What did he do? Where are they taking Jet Li and why did they put a shield and helmet on him too
if he's a prisoner?
Director: Shut up, I only put this scene in for the Bush-Gore joke.
Yulaw (Main Bad Guy Jet Li): I just shot Prisoner Jet Li, so I gotta run!
Let's see, should I stay in the air ducts or jump into the crowd of heavily armed guards?
That's an easy one. I like killing.
Cops: Looook, weee'reeee dyyiiing iiin sloooow mooootion.
Yulaw: I feel the urge to impress the audience further. Let's have a car chase scene, but instead
of stealing a car of my own, I'll run faster than the speed limit! How cool am I!
Cop in car: "He's going 50!"
Yulaw: You can't catch up! The speed limit is 45! Now where is that dang wormhole going to appear?
Funsch (tough-talking Agent from the Multiverse - Riggs, basically):
Even though I'm driving a lemon at 30 miles an hour, I found him, sir! Let's kill him.
Roedecker (calm-tempered Agent from the Multiverse - Murtaugh, basically):
No, you can't kill him. It's against procedure. He's going to prison.
Funsch: But he's a serial killer who has escaped 123 times.
If we don't kill him, he will escape a 124th time.
Roedecker: But there's a theory that the universe with explode if all but one die.
Funsch: If we send him to prison, though, one of them will die sooner or later, anyway. May as
well kill him now before anyone else gets hurt.
Yulaw: Hello, I can dodge bullets, so your whole argument is meaningless. Instead, I'll shoot at you.
Funsch (dives behind shed): Okay, plan B. I'll use my fancy wormhole stargate destination watch and change
the destination on your fancy watch so we all get transported to Multiverse Headquarters instead.
You'd never guess I'd use THIS old trick again for a 124th time.
Futuristic Watch: Destination: Override. Destination: FINAL.
Director: Make sure we linger on that last shot a couple seconds, I don't want the audience to miss it.
Roedecker, Funsch, Yulaw: WORMHOLE TRAVEL SUCKS!
SCENE: MULTIVERSE HEADQUARTERS, THE THREE HAVE ARRIVED, BARELY ABLE TO MOVE AFTER
TRAVELING THROUGH A WORMHOLE
Supervisor (to Yulaw): You are charged with 123 counts of murder. You have killed 123 Jet Li wearing wigs
and all of them with the last name "Law" except for the Jet Li in prison whose name was "Lawless." Ha ha.
You also killed a lot of policemen, innocent bystanders, and multiverse agents but since they are extras,
you won't be charged for those.
SCENE: HOLDING CELL; YULAW IS PRACTICING HIS KUNG FU DESPITE HAVING HANDCUFFS ON
Roedeker: We used to be good friends two years ago. Why did I never notice that you kill at will
and have ambitions of becoming a powerful god. You seemed so nice and Chinese. Despite that I've been humiliated
123 times by letting you escape, I still want to be friends.
Yulaw: What did you say? I can't hear you over the massive gushes of wind
I create every time I strike the air.
SCENE: VIEWING ROOM OF OMENOUS METAL CHAIR
Woman in tight chest-enhancing dress with high slit on the skirt:
Hello, I'm only here to please the 18-34 male audience demographic. I'm not hiding a bomb.
Guard: Okay, let me just make a show of 'checking' you then, heh heh. And here's a pair of sunglasses.
Woman: Thanks, but I won't use them. Anyway, take a good look at me now because I won't appear in the rest of the movie.
Roedecker (to Yulaw, tied to chair): Would you like to make a final statement?
Yulaw: Yes, I'd like to give a brief overview of plot for those who haven't followed it.
Roedecker: Please do.
Computer: Destination: Penal Colony on Hades Universe. Hades, get it?
Anyway, I am very futuristic and so use a font with lots of extra dots.
Mouse: I am cute and white and will blow up!
Yulaw: I will kill all of you without a second thought, but I'm not a bad guy.
Funsch (barely looking at the dead bodies on the floor): He escaped. Son of a bitch.
Permission to speak, sir?
Roedecker: Stop asking permission AFTER you've spoken, Funsch!
SCENE: POLICEMEN WALKING INTO PRISON, GEARING UP
Audience: Hey, this police-gearing-up scene looks like the one at the beginning, including
Los Angeles' four sheriffs.
TV in background: "President Bush addresses congress..."
Audience: Don't remind us.
SCENE: POLICEMEN WALK INTO CELL OF UNPOPULAR INMATE
Audience: Look, it IS the same scene, only Jet Li is a cop not the criminal.
I get it; it is because its a parallel universe. A parallel universe where everything happens
a day or two later and where the exact same thing happens, except different people play different parts.
It's almost clever except... IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!
SCENE: OUTSIDE PRISON; SHOOTING RAMPAGE ENSUES
Yulaw: I'm super fast with super strength. No normal person could ever scale the wall I just did.
Gabe Law (Main Good Guy Jet Li): But I did!
It helped that the barb wire was actually
play-doh, but it is still impossibly high. I must have some of those powers, too.
Yulaw: Yes. That's why I was waiting for you - and only you - on the other side (evil cackle).
Gabe Law: Hey, you look like me. Why did you just shoot me?
Yulaw: I meant to shoot you in the head like the last guy, not on the bullet-proof vest.
Let me try again.
Funsch and Roedecker: Oh, no you don't!
Yulaw: Who gave you two a ladder? All right, I'm outta here.
I guess I'll see you later, when they bring the wounded officers to the only hospital in Los Angeles.
SCENE: THE LAW HOUSEHOLD
T.K. Law (Gabe's loving wife): I was worried about your wound.
Gabe Law: Well, I was wearing a bullet-proof vest. There's no wound.
T.K. Law: But I think we should go back to the hospital.
Gabe Law: Why?
T.K. Law: That's where all the action will be.
Gabe Law: Well... okay. But only because I love you, sweetie.
T.K. Law: We're so cute, aren't we?
Gabe Law: We are.
T.K. Law: (something in Chinese)
Gabe Law: (something in Chinese)
GRATUITOUS TRAINING MONTAGE ALERT! (Actually, the best scene in the movie, so enjoy it now.)
RANDOM LION ROAR.
SCENE: A HOSPITAL IN LOS ANGELES WHERE WOUNDED OFFICERS ARE BEING TREATED
Cops at Hospital (concerned): You gave us quite a scare, leaving the hospital like that!
Gabe Law: The bullet-proof vest does actually stop the bullets. It's not just called that. I'm fine.
Cops at Hospital: But we were so worried! (Gives him group hug.) But, now that you're here anyway, we want to interrogate you. What did the shooter look like?
Gabe Law: (thinking:) If I tell them it was a cute little Chinese guy, they'll never believe me.
(out loud:) Hey, I was shot, here!
T.K.: You lied to your cop friends. I can tell, I'm your wife. Did you really see the bad guy?
Gabe: "It was me."
T.K.: "What?"
Gabe: "He wasn't trying to hit Ronnie, he was aiming at me. Before I saw him, I felt him. I felt me. It was me."
T.K.:From that sentence alone, I understand exactly what you are getting at. You saw yourself; you felt yourself;
and the other self was evil and trying to kill you. That happens sometimes. Or you could be hallucinating.
Either way, this
is related to the fact that you have gotten stronger and faster recently.
Audience: Eh?
Gabe: Why would that be related?
T.K.: Never mind, they just are. So I think you need a check-up, because getting stronger and
faster is a sign that something is seriously wrong with you.
Gabe: It is?
T.K.: Yes, and since we're at a hospital at the moment, I'm going to make an appointment right now.
Gabe: But the hospital is swamped with all these wounded police officers.
Fast-talking Woman Doctor: No problem, we are all ready for you! In fact, we have an opening right now for you to have an MRI.
Gabe: An MRI? What for? Shouldn't I just have a regular check-up first?
T.K.: Just listen to the doctor, dear.
Doctor (wheeling Jet Li in on a wheelchair): Yes, I'm a professional and we are extremely efficent here.
You definitely need an MRI and we already have your paperwork started even though you never signed anything.
So, please remove all your clothes and any metallic items that I'm listing,
including a penile implant (pause for laughter) and all credit cards, because everyone knows when you remove all
your clothes, you still might have a credit card on you somewhere, and everyone knows credit cards are made of metal.
Girls in Audience (both of them): Oooh, do we get to see Jet-Li undressing?
T.K.: Sorry girls, all you get is this dramatic scene
where he takes off his wedding ring, because its metal, and gives it to me to hold.
And we get to see that my husband sports a nice tan because under his ring is paler skin.
Yulaw: I'm glad none of those other cops noticed me walking through the hospital.
Let's see, I think I'll kill the doctor giving the MRI instead of actually killing the other Jet Li. Killing is fun.
Funsch and Roedecker (suddenly bursting in through the door): But we're going to stop you!
Yulaw: So you've been following me through the hospital and only decided to jump out now?
No wonder I've escaped 123 times.
Funsch All right, enough is enough. (He starts shooting at Yulaw anyway.)
Yulaw: You can't hit he, so I'm going to ignore you and shoot a bunch of windows instead.
Gabe: I heard the entire exchange over the MRI speaker! I will escape from this MRI prison!
Oh, look, there's me again!
MASSIVE GUNFIRE ENSUES
Yulaw: If you kill me, you'll have to kill him, too. Because then he'll be superpowerful and you can't have THAT.
Funsch and Roedecker: You're right! We have to kill him! Even though we can't kill you, a mass murderer, because it is against procedure, we can kill a totally innocent party if they have the potential to be very powerful like you do.
Gabe: I hope they are not talking about me.
MRI Magnet: Ha, ha, I stole Yulaw's gun! Neener, neener, neener.
Audience: Hey, Jet Li changed back into his street clothes! Wasted all that potential for a
Jet Li vs Jet Li-in-a-Hospital-Gown scene! Now how are we supposed to tell him apart from the other Jet... oh.
That's the point, isn't it.
Gabe or Yulaw (seeing cops): Oh, hi fellas.
Cops (paranoid as heck): How do we know it is really you? Prove it! Tell us our names!
Gabe: Huh? I never told you that I had an evil double and neither did my wife. Remember?
Security Guy: And the security cameras made a point of only ever showing one Jet Li.
Cops: Yeah, but we have an advance copy of The One. We know about everything now, including the existence
of multiverse, that there are two of you and that one of you is evil. So prove you are the good guy!
Gabe: The multi-what? I didn't get an advance copy. Anyway,
I'm the good guy, but I'm not going to prove it because I want to run away from Yulaw in privacy.
So instead I'm going to incapacitate you, my loyal friends.
Roedecker: Funsch, set your watch to show when this bomb goes off because when it does,
both me and Yulaw will be dead.
Funsch: Couldn't we just shoot him?
Roedecker: But then there would be no angst.
Funsch: But what am I supposed to do?
Roedecker: Kill Gabe Law. Before the universe explodes.
Funsch: What if I'm not looking at my watch in time?
Roedecker: Well, then the universe will be gone and it won't matter.
But if you're still alive, kill him anyway.
Funsch: Well, OK, as long as I get to kill someone.
SCENE: ON THE STREETS OF LOS ANGELES
Yulaw (driving slowly and flipping through radio stations): Don't they have any Barry Manilow in this universe?
Roedecker (pulling gun out): Freeze!
Yulaw: Um, I'm driving. I can't freeze. Have you really been sitting quietly back there for
like half an hour?
Roedecker: It's all about timing. I can't just blow you up without having a
conversation first. So pull over.
Yulaw: What will you do if I don't? Shoot me? I'm DRIVING. Besides, I can dodge bullets.
Roedecker: Please?
Yulaw: Do you know what would happen if I kill the last Jet Li? I'd become a god. You should do
what I've done and we can rule the universe together.
Roedecker: I'll never join you! Get out and fight me!
Yulaw: Ok, ok, as long as I get to screech the tires. And because we were once friends,
I will move slowly and let your painfully slow, weak punches hit me.
Roedecker: I'm winning, I'm winning!
Yulaw: Or not. (He kills Roedecker and disables bomb, making indicator light turn red.)
Director: There's not enough effects and action happening here. Give me more.
Yulaw: All right all right. Okay, look, there are some cops. Watch me kill them by smashing
them between these motorcycles that I picked up.
Audience: Cool! But what does this have to do with the plot?
Director: Nothing. It's cool. That's all you ever needed to worry about.
Funsch: Boy, I'm sure glad I had this advance copy of The One. That way, could tell which ambulance
Gabe Law would hitch a ride with so I could follow it until he got out.
Gabe: It's you again. Even though you saved my life before, that's no excuse for following
me around, so I will kick you very hard.
Funsch: (thinking:) Oh my God, I'm hanging off the side of a building and even
though the guy holding me is a good guy, I'm going to suddenly tell him some classified information
like... the plot. (out loud:)
"You're close to his strength. The last two years, you've gotten stronger.
Haven't jacked any more iron. Haven't changed your diet. You are stronger. Your mind, too.
Answers come fast without thinking."
Gabe: "Who are you. What did you do to me?"
Funsch: "Not me. You. You've done this to yourself."
Gabe: What the hell are you talking about?
Funsch: It's because space is shaped like a newspaper.
Gabe: (blink)
Funsch: Let me explain.
"Every time a massive star dies and becomes a black hole, a new universe is created."
Gabe: I thought a parallel universe was created when someone made a choice and each choice had its own universe.
Funsch: Ignore that. It's wrong.
Gabe: So why are all the universes the same if they all started at different times?
Funsch: I don't have time to explain, just take it at face value that there are many versions of you.
Sometimes you are married to T.K., sometimes you are married to another woman. Sometimes you are married to a man.
Gabe: Hey! I'm offended by that.
Funsch: In denial about something, are we? Anyway, "They've learned to forecast
when and where a black hole will occur. A momentary bridge between parallel universes." Get it?
Gabe: No. You just said a black star was a universe. Now it's a bridge? Which is it?
Funsch: It's both, but there's more. "Travel is restricted. They created an agency to
police the Multiverse. I'm a Multiverse agent"
Gabe: I almost believe you. No one could even make up something that ridiculous. So what about that guy who's following me.
Funsch: He's traveling between the universes killing all the Jet Lis. You're the last.
Gabe: So, what happens to me after he is dead then?
Funsch: Um... oh, that. (suddenly sees his watch turn red:) oh, hell, he's dead. My partner's dead! Yulaw is dead!
The universe is going to blow and I'm all alone!
(after a moment:) Well, the universe is still here. I guess we didn't have to worry about that.
But I better kill Gabe, because my (sniff)
partner asked me to, even though Gabe might be a god right now.
Gabe: I knew it. You're pointing your gun at me. Are you going to shoot me, then?
Funsch (lowering his gun): I... can't. No one has ever listened to me babble that long. I feel a connection with you.
Gabe: Screw you, I'm going home.
SCENE: THE LAW HOUSEHOLD
Cops: Because we have the advance copy of The One, we know that there is a potential bloodbath at the Jet Li household, so all units, give me backup and search the house for this multi-universe Jet Li that we all know about.
T.K.: Could I have some privacy? I wanted to finish watching Final Destination.
Cop: Okay, I'll be outside your door then.
Gabe or Yulaw: Hi honey, clever of me to hide in the attic, wasn't it. Can you get my gun back?
T.K.: It's at the hospital and I can't leave the house. "There
are sheriffs all over."
Audience: Is every cop in L.A. a sheriff?
T.K.: I have a gun in my drawer, though. (thinking:) Look, there's another Jet Li outside.
Which one is the evil one when they are both at my house? Okay, time to be clever.
Let me get my hair-dryer-sized gun ready and ask an innocent question. (out loud:) Honey, this situation is just like our favorite movie, The Matrix.
Gabe or Yulaw: It sure is.
T.K.: (pointing gun): No, our favorite movie is Highlander! YOU are the evil one!
Yulaw: And that gun is now within reaching distance of me, you idiot. (He takes gun and pushes wife to window.) Look, it's the other Jet Li. Wow, he's sexy. Hey, Gabe! This is your wife. This is your wife with a bullet in her. (Bang.)
Audience: Um, is she really dead? There wasn't any foreshadowing.
It didn't seem like an obviously fatal shot, either. WTF?
T.K.: Hello! I'm dying on the floor here, does anyone care?
Gabe: Yes, that's why I paused for 5 seconds for grimace.
Funsch (driving by): Get in.
Gabe: How did you know where I live?
Funsch: I have the listed addresses of all Jet Li's in all 125 universes on my rolodex.
Gabe: How did you know I would be in trouble at just that moment one block from my house?
Funsch (suggestive glance): We have a special connection.
Gabe shudders then starts banging on the car.
Funsch: Wow, what's wrong?
Gabe: Yulaw killed my wife!
Funsch: (absolutely no reaction whatsoever)
Audience: Um, didn't Funsch think Yulaw was dead? If he didn't,
why did he let anyone who looks like Jet Li in his car? Was he actually at the previous scene, just standing in
the bushes watching back there without doing anything, then jumping in his car at precisely the right moment?
That doesn't seem right. It seemed like he appeared from nowhere, but knew everything.
Director: Duh, I gave the entire cast an advance copy of The One.
God, if we had to explain every little conversation about stuff the audience already knows,
the movie would be three hours.
SCENE: GAS STATION
Funsch: I'm sure glad I decided to look and see if I needed gas in the middle of this craziness because
I'm on empty and there's a gas station right there.
Gabe: Where do you get all these old, beat-up cars anyway and how can you enter my universe so heavily armed?
Funsch: Who cares, just check out these freakin' awesome guns. They're hand-portable.
Gabe: Cool, but isn't 'hand-portable' kind of redundant? Anyway, why didn't you use them before on Yulaw?
Funsch: "I never had the go-ahead to terminate"
Gabe: But you were going to shoot ME before and I've never killed anybody.
Funsch: Yeah, that's different.
Gabe: How?
Funsch: Aren't these COOL FREAKIN' GUNS? Let's kick some ass.
Gabe (cool guns and prospect of a fight scene overrides logic): All right! First, let me knock over this telephone pole.
Gas station clerk that looks exactly like Roedecker (running out of gas station): I'm callin' the cops.
Funsch: (sniff) Since I could never say this to you when you were alive, I'll say it to your pathetic alternate self: I LOVED YOU!
Gas Station Clerk: Man, why couldn't the cute Chinese guy have said that?
(Funsch drives away without paying for gas.)
SCENE: RANDOM FACTORY
Funsch: Convenient of the wormhole to appear in this deserted, but still running, factory, full of railings and smoke and giant machines spitting acid.
Gabe Law (cracking knuckles): I thought so.
Yulaw: At last we meet for the first time for the last time.
I'll take off my black jacket so the audience can tell us apart.
Jet Li Fans: You insult us! We can tell the difference between the Jet Lis strictly by fighting styles alone!
Director: Oh, I thought you guys would have already left the theater by now.
Yulaw: "After this, there will be only one."
Gabe: You mean, "there can be only one."
Yulaw: Whatever.
Yulaw: I pushed you into the wall and you aren't dead?
Gabe: I fell over a railing in the last scene and that didn't even slow me down. Why would a wall kill me?
Yulaw: Good point. Take THIS!
Gabe: Take THAT!
Audience: This is pretty cool, though kind of jumpy and effectsy.
I thought these choreographers did the Matrix. Where are those long shots at?
I mean, Jet Li already knows how to fight.
Director: Well, I paid the CGI guys. I had to give them something to do.
Audience: Besides give them all those fogging machines?
Director: Hey, fog is the new black.
Gabe: I am Jet Li!
Yulaw: No, I am Jet Li!
Gabe: No you're not, I am!
Yulaw (screws up face): NO YOU'RE NOT, I AM!
Yulaw: Heh, heh, fire, heh, heh, fire.
Gabe: Oh, no, my black jacket is in flames! I have to take it off.
Now I look exactly the same as Yulaw!
Gabe, Yulaw, and Funsch: WORMHOLE TRAVEL SUCKS!
SCENE: MULTIVERSE HEADQUARTERS; THE THREE ARRIVE BARELY ABLE TO MOVE
Gabe or Yulaw (pointing to other Jet Li): "That's him."
Guard: "Scanning. RHV 578 confirm."
Supervisor: "Let's put him where he belongs."
Guard (pulling Jet Li toward metal chair): Shouldn't we confirm it a little better before sending him to eternal punishment?
Supervisor: No, because then he'll escape again. We're that inept.
Funsch (limping as an aftereffect of the wormhole travel): Wait!
Guard: What?
Funsch: That's the wrong Jet Li!
Guard: How can you tell?
Funsch: The Jet Li in your custody has a tan line on his ring finger.
Guard: You have very good eyes to see that from across the room.
Funsch: Thank you.
Guard: But what's your point?
Funsch: I know that the real Gabe Law is married and sports a tan.
Guard: You even research tanning habits before going out on assignment? I'm impressed. But
he's missing the ring, so that could mean anything.
Funsch: No, he took off his ring for the MRI scan and gave it to his wife.
Guard: Oh, you saw that?
Funsch: Well, I was in the same building. And I know he never put it back on, because Yulaw
showed up and Gabe ran away after that. So I'm positive the one you have is Gabe.
Guard: You're way smarter than us. Okay, men, put the other Jet Li in the chair.
GUARDS HANDCUFF OTHER JET LI, TAKE OFF HIS WORMHOLE-TRAVEL WATCH, AND DRAG HIM TO THE CHAIR
Funsch: Did it ever occur to you that the Jet Li wearing the futuristic watch might be the bad one?
Guard: Who has time to look at watches when we have a RHV 578.
Yulaw: WORMHOLE TRAVEL SUCKS!
Guard: So what do we do with Gabe? I guess we ought to send him back.
Funsch: No, they'll prosecute him. I have a better place to send him.
Guard: Well, you have 10 seconds to input it.
Funsch (inputting): I'm so cool. I don't even look like I'm in a hurry.
Gabe: For some inexplicable reason, wormhole travel doesn't suck so much for me this time.
Guard: So where did you send him,
Funsch: To a place where he can live happily ever after.
Guard: You knew what would make Gabe live happily ever after?
Funsch: Yes.
Guard: How?
Funsch: Well, you see, recently, his wife died.
Guard: How recently?
Funsch: Three scenes ago. And even though we didn't confirm it then, she's sure to be dead by now.
Guard: So?
Funsch: So I found a world where the same woman is still alive, but has never married a Jet Li.
Guard: You had time to do that kind of extensive research? Haven't you been with
Gabe nonstop since his wife died?
Funsch: Yes, but I'm that good.
Guard: But what if he doesn't live happily ever after?
Funsch: He will.
Guard: How do you know?
Funsch: Listen to this. The wormhole happened to connect to a street right in front of
the place she works!
Guard: You know where she works, even. But if you drop him in the middle of the street, he
might get run over.
Funsch: It's worth the risk.
Guard: Are you sure?
Funsch: I even got the dog.
Guard: What dog?
Funsch: Jet Li's dog from the other universe. They met when Jet Li brought the dog in.
Guard: Wow, but that was two years ago, wasn't it? The dog just happens to be on that street two years later?
Funsch: Yep, and on top of that, the wife still works there so they will almost have to meet.
Guard: I'm impressed. So you must have found a universe very similar to ours then?
Funsch: No, it's completely different. Los Angeles is a clean, bright city.
Guard: And that did not effect history A BIT?
Funsch: No.
Guard: Why weren't you the hero of this movie?
FINAL SCENE: HADES UNIVERSE (insert completely unexpected one-liner that is actually kind of
funny)
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