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MELF'S MASSIVE QUOTE COLLECTION
a single phrase can make you laugh or make you cry
it can make you angry or make you happy
or
make you think
one sentence can change your life
QUOTES FROM AUTHORS, PHILOSOPHERS, AND COMEDIANS, IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER:
A B C D
E F
G H I
J K L M
N O
P Q R S
T U V W
Y Z
MISC
A
The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savages--
as if the savages weren't dangerous enough already.
-Edward Abbey
What's so unpleasant about being drunk? You ask a glass of water.
-Douglas Adams' "Ford", Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so.
-Douglas Adams' "Ford", Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
-Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
-Douglas Adams
The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature
shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings
shall rule it by fictitious miracles?
-John Adams
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere
in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths,
Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in
Christianity.
-John Adams
As I understand the Christian religion, it was, and is, a revelation.
But how has it happened that millions of fables, tales, legends, have been
blended with both Jewish and Christian revelation that have made them the
most bloody religion that ever existed?
-John Adams, letter to F.A. Van der Kamp, Dec. 27, 1816
I almost shudder at the thought of alluding to the most fatal example of
the abuses of grief which the history of mankind has preserved--the Cross.
Consider what calamities that engine of grief has produced!
-John Adams, letter to Thomas Jefferson
The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for
example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders
of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of
offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage
belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching
of scientific truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow
from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism.
-Steve Allen, Steve Allen on the Bible Religion & Morality
WOODY ALLEN (1935 - ):
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
-Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
-Woody Allen, Deconstructing Harry
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
-Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
-Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
-Woody Allen
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
-Woody Allen
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
-Woody Allen
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
-Woody Allen
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
-Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-Woody Allen
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
-Woody Allen
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
-Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
-Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
-Woody Allen
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
-Woody Allen
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
-Woody Allen
A dying man needs to die, as a sleepy man needs to sleep, and there comes a time when it is wrong, as well as useless, to resist.
-Steward Alsop
I find it interesting that the meanest life, the poorest existence, is attributed to God's will, but as human beings become more affluent, as their living standard and style begin to ascend the material scale, God descends the scale of responsibility at a commensurate speed.
-Maya Angelou
Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only
when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
-Maya Angelou
The gods too are fond of a joke.
-Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
All the biblical miracles will at last
disappear with the progress of science.
-Matthew Arnold, 1822-1888
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is
something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
-Isaac Asimov
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.-Isaac Asimov
Democracy means government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking.
-Clement Atlee
Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed
by preparation, foolish preparation!
-Jane Austen
I do not want people
to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.
-Jane Austen
Theism is so confused and the sentences in which 'God' appears so
incoherent and so incapable of verifiability or falsifiability that to
speak of belief or unbelief, faith or unfaith, is logically impossible.
-Alfred Jules Ayer, British philosopher (1910-1989),
Language, Truth and Logic quoted in A History of God
B
RICHARD BACH:
Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness.
Listen to it.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
Learning is finding out what you already know;
Doing is demonstrating that you know it;
Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you.
We are all learners, doers, teachers.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of
respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family
grow up under the same roof.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
The mark of your ignorance is your belief in injustice and tragedy.
What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a
butterfly
-Richard Bach, Illusions
Within each of us lies the power of our consent to health and to
sickness, to riches and to poverty, to freedom and to slavery. It is we
who control these and not another.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
But one creature said at last, 'I am tired of
clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust the current known where it's going. I shall let go and let it take me where it wilt. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.'
-Richard Bach, Illusions
In the path of our happiness shall we find the learning for which we
have chosen this lifetime.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: If
you're alive, it isn't.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
Dying is like diving into a deep lake on a hot day. There's the shock
of that sharp, cold change, the pain of it for a second, and then
accepting is a swim in reality. But after so many times, even the shock
wears off.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
To live free and happily you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always
an easy sacrifice.
-Richard Bach, Illusions
I do not believe that any man fears to be dead, but only the stroke of death.-Francis Bacon
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
-Walter Bagehot
Science and religion harmonize. Science without religion is
materialism - religion without science is superstition.
-Bahai pamphlet
...Jesus was almost certainly not 'of Nazareth'. An overwhelming
body of evidence indicates that Nazareth did not exist in biblical
times. The town is unlikely to have appeared before the third century.
-Baigent, Leigh and Lincoln, The Messianic Legacy
The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.
-Russell Baker
The idea of God implies the abdication of human reason and justice;
it is the most decisive negation of human liberty and necessarily
ends in the enslavement of mankind both in theory and practice. He
who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about
the matter but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
-Mikhail Bakunin
'If God is, man is a slave; now, man can and
must be free; then, God does not exist.'
I defy anyone whomsoever to avoid this circle;
now, therefore, let all choose.
-Mikhail Bakunin, God and the State, 1874
A religion which requires persecution to sustain it is of the devil's propagation.
-Hosea Ballou
...the Bible as we have it contains elements that are scientifically
incorrect or even morally repugnant. No amount of "explaining away"
can convince us that such passages are the product of Divine Wisdom.
-Bernard J. Bamberger, The Story of Judaism
DAN BARKER:
The very concept of sin comes from the bible. Christianity offers to
solve a problem of its own making! Would you be thankful to a person
who cut you with a knife in order to sell you a bandage?
-Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a
bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say
"God is love," they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context!
-Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
How happy can you be when you think every action and
thought is being monitored by a judgmental ghost?
-Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
It's not easy to change world views. Faith has its own momentum and belief
is comfortable. To restructure reality is traumatic and scary. That is why
many intelligent people continue to believe: unbelief is an unknown.
-Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
To think that the ruler of the universe will run to my assistance
and bend the laws of nature for me is the height of arrogance.
-Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith
Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday,
singing, 'yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I
believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down, down. down.
Amen!' If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it.
-Dan Barker
There is no such thing as a god. If such a creature existed,
belief would be rendered unnecessary, and the entire system
of organized religion would collapse.
-Ron Barrier
I am NOT jealous of the woman who writes the Harry Potter books. It does NOT bother
me that her most recent book, Harry Potter and the Enormous Royalty Check, has
already become the best-selling book in
world history, beating out her previous book,
Harry Potter Purchases Microsoft.
-Dave Barry
The reason for this is hormones, which are chemicals that our bodies produce so they can take control away from our brains.
-Dave Barry
I could tell by the urgency in their voices that there were upside-down exclamation points at the beginnings of their sentences.
-Dave Barry
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.
-Ernest Benn
Miracles happen to those who believe in them. Otherwise
why does not the Virgin Mary appear to Lamaists, Mohammedans,
or Hindus who have never heard of her.
-Bernard Berenson (1865-1959)
The contradiction in perspective was that it structured all images of
reality to address a single spectator who, unlike God, could only be in
one place at a time.
-John Berger, Ways of Seeing
The proper place for the study of religious beliefs is in a church or temple, at home, or in a course on comparative religions, but not in a biology
class. There is no place in our world for an ideology that seeks to close
minds, force obedience, and return the world to a paradise that never was.
Students should learn that the universe can be confronted and understood,
that ideas and authority should be questioned, that an open mind is a good
thing. Education does not exist to confirm people's superstitions, and
children do not learn to think when they are fed only dogma.
-Tim Berra, Evolution and the Myth of Creationism
BHAGAVAD GITA (Hindu Holy Book):
For one who is born, death is certain; for one who is dead, birth is
certain. So you should not grieve for what is inevitable.
-The Bhagavad Gita
When a man broods over sense objects, attachment to them arises. From
attachment arises desire, and desire breeds anger. From anger comes
delusion of mind, and from delusion, the loss of memory; from loss of
memory the destruction of discrimination; and from the destruction of
discrimination, the man perishes.
-The Bhagavad Gita
To the illumined man or woman, a clod of dirt, a stone, and gold are the same.
-The Bhagavad Gita
Unless a person is aware of the existence of the self
in a future life, he will not be inclined to attain what is good in this
life and avoid the evil.
-The Bhagavad Gita (from Shankara)
AMBROSE BIERCE (1842-1914, American author):
Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of
a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
-Ambrose Bierce
Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
from the false and profane writings on which all other
faiths are based.
-Ambrose Bierce
Religion, n: A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to
Ignorance the Nature of the Unknowable.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks
without knowledge, of things without parallel.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made
for man -- who has no gills.
-Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
-Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), "The Devil's Dictionary", 1911
Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while
you expound on yours.
-Ambrose Bierce
A clergyman is a man who undertakes the management of our
spiritual affairs as a method of bettering his earthly ones.
-Ambrose Bierce
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment
of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.
-First Amendment, Bill of Rights, U.S. Constitution
Prisons are built with stones of Law,
Brothels with bricks of Religion.
-William Blake, The Marriage
of Heaven and Hell
Authority without wisdom is like a heavy axe without an edge, fitter
to bruise than polish.
-Anne Bradstreet
In the frank expression of conflicting opinions lies the greatest promise of wisdom in governmental action.
-Louis D. Brandeis
In any culture, subculture, or family in which belief is valued
above thought, and self-surrender is valued above self-expression,
and conformity is valued above integrity, those who preserve their
self-esteem are likely to be heroic exceptions.
-Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, 1994, p. 296
The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing.
-William J. Broad
The pursuit of happiness belongs to us, but we
must climb around or over the church to get it.
-Heywood Broun, (1888-1939)
I do not see how anyone could come fresh to the Bible and see any regard
for human life at all in the early parts. From the extermination of every
living thing outside the ark to the ethnic cleansing of the promised land,
the story is one of utter disregard to human life except when it suits God's
purposes..... it does not license anyone to preach on the excellence of the
Ten Commandments as a sort of constitution document for modern society.
-Andrew Brown, religious correspondent for the Independent, a national UK paper
Intuition is a suspension of logic due to impatience.
-Rita Mae Brown
There are many extraordinary tales from antiquity, including women with snakes for hair, creatures whose gaze turns you to stone, creatures with equine
bodies and human torsos, many accounts of people rising from the dead, lots of
tales of magic, and numerous accounts of physical encounters with fantastic
beings. Ancient people were a superstitious, scientifically primitive lot,
and believed in many things that today we know are silly. I find it bizarre
that so many people see nothing suspicious about the extraordinary or
supernatural claims of the bible, yet don't hesitate to express disbelief in
equally well documented claims of minotaurs, basilisks, and wizards.
-Scott Brown
There's nothing shameful in acknowledging that you don't have the answers
to every question about life. Just accept the fact that you know only a
fraction of what's going on in the world. You don't have to attach
explanations in terms of a special revelation of God's will, a glimpse
at the supernatural, evidence of a conspiracy, or anything else.
-Harry Browne, How I Found Freedom in an
Unfree World, 1973, p. 151
Life goes by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a
while, you might miss it.
-Ferris Bueller
Real philosophy seeks rather to solve than to deny.
-Edward G. Bulwer-Lytton
If someone were to prove to me -- right this minute -- that God, in all his luminousness, exists, it wouldn't change a single aspect of my behavior.
-Luis Bunuel
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
-Luis Bunuel
Science has done more for the development of western civilization in
one hundred years than Christianity did in eighteen hundred years.
-John Burroughs, 1837-1921, American naturalist, The Light of Day
It is a common saying that thought is free. A man can never be hindered from thinking whatever he chooses so long as he conceals what he thinks. The
working of his mind is limited only by the bounds of his experience and the
power of his imagination. But this natural liberty of private thinking is of
little value. It is unsatisfactory and even painful to the thinker himself,
if he is not permitted to communicate his thoughts to others, and it is
obviously of no value to his neighbors. Moreover it is extremely difficult
to hide thoughts that have any power over the mind. If a man's thinking leads
him to call in question ideas and customs which regulate the behaviour of
those about him, to reject the beliefs which they hold, to see better ways of
life than those they follow, it is almost impossible for him, if he is
convinced of the truth of his own reasoning, not to betray by silence, chance
words, or general attitude that he is different from them and does not share
their opinions. Some have preferred, like Socrates, some would prefer today,
to face death rather than conceal their thoughts. Thus freedom of thought,
in any valuable sense, includes freedom of speech.
-J.B. Bury, A History of Freedom of Thought, 1913
God is usually on the side of big squadrons and against little ones.
-Roger de Bussy-Rabutin
If God wants us to do a thing, he should make his wishes sufficiently clear. Sensible people will wait till he has done this before paying much attention to him.
-Samuel Butler
C
The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.
-Herb Caen
Believing is easier than thinking. Hence
so many more believers than thinkers.
-Bruce Calvert
Vote early and vote often.
-Al Capone (1899-1947)
GEORGE CARLIN: (from BrainDroppings, 1997)
The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.
-George Carlin
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it, the better.
-George Carlin
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
-George Carlin
The safest place to be in an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
-George Carlin
It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.
-George Carlin
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
-George Carlin
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards... You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
George Carlin
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